I keep trying to write on this blog and I have about three half finished posts saved in my Word program. I don't know what I am waiting for exactly. I know that I am fearful. Of what? Apparently it lies too deep to easily pinpoint/quickly overcome. I do know that fear is a negative and its best to avoid action or inaction caused by fear. It's always best to act with love. Apparently Im not loving enough towards myself to post courageously weather what I have to say is perfect or not. I have recently joined twitter and I am hoping that to be sort of a gateway to bigger blogging ventures.

~I just came across a link to this on my twitter~
"Stop judging yourself. That’s it. End of story.

Oh, you have questions? Of course, just like me.

When you stop judging yourself, you can listen to inspiration. You can hear the voice of love, choice, wisdom and true direction. Or you can listen to self-judgment, a voice of attack, limits, smallness, and a voice that always threatens some misfortune, or just can’t help but point to cobwebs in your past. In the wisdom tradition of A Course in Miracles, it says “Your divided devotion has given you the two voices, and you must choose at which altar you want to serve.”

What does serving the voice of judgment get you? It’ s like inviting a bad houseguest into your living space, one that is noisy, rude, throwing things around and then complaining about the mess. I used to think that self-judgment was somehow a tool for staying sharp, getting ahead, not falling asleep at the wheel. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent, deciding, that while I’ve never been this age, or in this career, or on this exact leg of my journey, I knew how it should go, what should not be happening. I spent so much time lamenting my circumstances, that I had no real time or energy to actually investigate them. Self -judgment doesn’t keep you savvy. It keeps you ignorant and uninvolved with reality.

Self-judgment blocks your sense of true direction. You can’t hear the bird song when the tuba takes over. “Oh, you’ll never get anywhere, this isn’t good. You’ll never amount to anything. I can’t believe you’re this age and you still haven’t gotten it together.” But what if you were listening to a voice of trust and love instead? One that said, “I know you can do this. Take all the time you need. I believe in you. I know you have more strength than you can imagine. ”

This is the best piece of advice I can ever give you: Cultivate the voice of self- love inside you.

Listen to the angels of acceptance. Listen to your Buddha Nature. Listen to the smallest golden leaf on the aspen tree, your Aunt Sadie who bakes oatmeal cookies, Jesus, that rascal of forgiveness, your golden retriever. Listen to the exuberant river. Listen to Allah or Moses come down from the mountain with awe on his face. Listen to the poets Rumi or Kabir, Blake or Whitman. They are all saying one thing and one thing only: You are loved. You are loved. You have everything inside you. This moment will absolutely free you, if you free it from judgment.

Everyone struggles with self-judgment. Even one of the most famous peace leaders of our time, Gandhi, once said, “My most formidable opponent is a man named Mohandas K. Gandhi. With him I seem to have very little influence.” But where does self-judgment come from? Self judgment is often somebody’s inappropriate expectations or distorted opinion pressed down upon your innocence. It’s somebody’s lack of love for themselves, their own soul’s jaundice, poison, or ache that got foisted onto you. You didn’t know it was a misunderstanding. You believed the lie. You believed you were broken or doing it wrong. You believed what your soul could never believe. So you stopped listening to your own soul and allowed the lie to move in and buy furniture, home décor, an education and a lifestyle. Now it’s time to listen to your soul. Now it’s time to let go of the cracked and blackened mirror." http://wisdomalacarte.net/blog/the-secret-to-living-your-true-life-stop-judging-yourself/2009/10/

I have been seriously been considering going to confession for WOW! almost 2months now, it started out as a silly suggestion in the fainsest of ways, I heard someone talking to themselves out loud bright and early one morning and it started me thinking and ever since the idea has been gaining appeal in my brain. I havent gone in forever. Its something else I am desperately afraid of, it means confronting my past. alot of my past all at once I havent gone in oh, 7ish years. Talk about daunting! The process of it seems time consuming and im dreading the aftermath might be a lot to deal with. But i feel like it would be a great part of my effort to clean and gain self acceptance to go forth ever more unencumbered by things that hold me back. and honestly one of the biggest selling points it has going is that I am TERRIFIED of the thought of it, and as the saying goes, "do something everyday that scares you" and I cant think of anything that would be more noteworthy than that. and its soo incredibly random well it's starting to seem less random and make more sense but not when the idea first creeped into my brain early one sunday Morning back in May. anyway i wrote this reflection while looking a picture of Carolyn Murphy taken by Steven Meisel in '05 Italian Vogue. WHAT i'm calling:
~summer baptism~ and I want it to be true in all areas of my life:

~~~ to immerse in WATER, as a spiritual Cleansing process. To dedicate or Christen. Clear ',Commence Continuously, practice Saucha, daily plenish and always revivify the love that moves the sun and the other stars.~~~